I was struck by a revelation, like a lightening bolt to the brain. A concept that I hadn’t considered before, and it turns out I may have some apologizing to do to somebody I love very much.
I realize that the end of one my relationships was my fault. Yes, that’s right. I realized that I invited the trouble in, and I nurtured it, and allowed it to grow. I allowed this with the best of intentions, mind you, but in the end it was my doing.
Very early on I encountered some questionable behavior. The kind that makes you wonder, “WTF, are we back in high school?” It seemed to come off as insecure, and rooted in jealousy, but I tried my best at the time to address it and ended up giving some leeway as the relationship was relatively new. In the beginning of relationships you’re still figuring each other out, and let’s be honest that every individual has their own personality, and deal differently with stuff based on what brought them to be who they are. We’ve all got our quirks. Everybody also has their own tolerance levels, and for me, this was a red flag of disrespect, and an inability deal with conflict within the bee hive in a collaborative manner. But in the end, I let it go, and tried to communicate that perhaps next time there could be a better, more mature way to deal with feelings.
I knew in my heart that this level of jealousy and immaturity was, for me, an impasse for any relationship. You can’t build trust on jealousy, ever. Nor can you fix somebody else’s issues with it. The situation unfortunately planted a seed of mistrust and doubt for me. And from there, it snowballed. Despite my better judgement, I stuck in there. I was optimistic that it would get better. I really wanted to give this a fair shot. I think in my head I thought I was finally breaking out of the Three Month Kill, but I now realize the mistake in not listening to my gut. Always.Trust.Your.Gut.
From there, the relationship ran into more trouble with jealousy, and resulted in more giving of chances from me, despite that nagging inner voice warning me against it. And also despite ending the relationship over it – twice. I tried too hard to believe words of regret and promises for rebuilding trust, but the damage was done. I made the mistake of believing and trusting that to happen, and I really wanted it to. I had really hoped that the issues could be resolved and we could eject the green monster from our life, and finally rebuild damaged trust.
My heart had left it at that point though, and I should have recognized it and dealt with it then. I was trying to make it fit. But it was never going to fit and it’s my own fault for remaining there when I had feelings that this wasn’t what I wanted. We clearly had polar opposite views on these things. I lost interest. I was always left feeling disappointed and never regained my trust. And when you finally start to think you’re making headway, you find somebody else’s panties kicking around. Trust is a key component in a relationship, and without it, it will never work. But what I SHOULD have done was trust my own instinct that I was aboard the Titanic. I should have gone with my instincts, and cut the cord at the three-month mark when I originally thought about it. It would have saved us both a lot of grief, and time wasted being miserable. I also don’t want to live with regrets so I take from it what I can and forgive myself for the rest.
So, I am sorry. Sorry for not listening to my instincts. Sorry for putting myself through that. I guess this is an answer for the question ‘what’s the harm in trying?’ Huh. Who knew?
“Self, don’t do that again, you deserve more.”
“Ok self, I promise. I love you”
“I love you too. We cool?”
“Ya, you know it.”